Let me start this post by commenting on the year in music: 2009. It seems that every year I come up with a respectable yet righteously opinionated list that seems perfect; however, and this happens every year, I always seem to miss the memo on a few bands and then receive the message later on down the road. Case in point: Mumford and Sons, Florence + the Machine, and Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. All three bands released better than mediocre albums in 2009 that could have drastically altered last years list, but alas, I did not discover them until this year, 2010. In particular, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zero's "Home" is a slightly better than incredible song that I have not gotten tired of (it was even the theme song to Emily and me's road trip).
This years' list was the toughest in years. Solid albums by Bad Religion, Broken Social Scene, Tame Impala, Murder by Death, The Walkmen, Josh Ritter, and my beloved Neil Young are not even in the five honorable mentions let alone albums of the year. Also, for your consideration, I chose to include the rankings from other music publications such as Rolling Stone, Pitchford and Spin as well as the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's Scott Mervis's list.
Anyways, Happy New Year to all of you. May the year bring good health and good fortunes to you and all of your families.
And on to the music...
5. The Gaslight Anthem American Slang Released 15 June 2010 (Side One Dummy)
A little more polished, a lot less punk, but still packing that crucial mixture of heart+soul that has been constant for these Jersey boys for three full-lengths and one e.p. They're doing Godfather Springsteen proud.
Other Rankings: Spin (36/40)
Key Tracks: "American Slang," "Bring it On," "The Spirit of Jazz"
4. Arcade Fire The Suburbs Released 3 August 2010 (Merge Records)
I'm going to get a lot of shit for this album being this high on my list, but let me explain...
I've been an Arcade Fire fan not since the very beginning, but since Funeral was about a year old. The first song I ever heard was "Rebellion (Lies)" on MTVU my freshman (or sophomore...I can't remember) year in college. I went out and bought the album and thought it was good but not great (with the exception of "Wake Up" which, in my opinion, is the perfect song). In 2007 I got an advance copy of Neon Bible from my college radio station, 88.1 WRSK. This was the album that hooked me, and as a result, I went back and listened to Funeral a lot more,and, as a result, better understood what the band was trying to accomplish both musically and, more importantly, emotionally with its auidence. If you've ever seen the Arcade Fire live or have seen live footage you'll understand this: they put it all on the line each time they pick up their instruments. I felt connected and held this band in such a high regard.
But alas, I can't say I felt this same connection with The Suburbs. And I honestly don't know why, and that bothers me. The album is solid all around; great songs, great music, great tracking from song to song, but there is nothing that grabs me like their first two albums did. The more I think of it, the more I reason that at eighteen and twenty-one, I needed to feel part of something bigger like the Arcade Fire; but at twenty-five I've already found enough of that in music, writing and film-I need that same connection in the relationships I make with others. That may not make sense to any of you, but I dont' need music to save me anymore and maybe, just maybe, that's why I'm not as connected to this band as I once was.
Other Rankings: NME (2/75), NPR (Top 50 of 2010), Paste (7/50), Pitchfork (11/50), Rolling Stone (4/20), Spin (3/40), Spinner (5/30)
Key Tracks: "The Suburbs," "Ready to Start," "Half Light II," "The Sprawl II"
3. Titus Andronicus Monitor Released 9 March 2010 (XL Recordings)
This album is just strong all around. It's filled with fun and hate and keys and it's really hard to stop listening.
Other Rankings: NPR (Top 50 of 2010), Paste (5/50), Pitchfork (10/50), Spin (15/40), Spinner (12/30)
Key Tracks: "Richard II or Extraordinary Popular Dimensions and the Madness of the Crowds (Responsible Hate Anthem),"Four Score and Seven," "Theme from 'Cheers,'" "And Ever"
2. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club Beat the Devil's Tattoo Released 9 March 2010 (Vagrant Records)
Most people don't know this because I've never told them, but B.R.M.C. put on a show at Slippery Rock University in the winter of 2006. They were supporting their almost-entirely acoustic album, Howl. Hardly anybody came but it made no difference to the band-they killed! What I remember most, aside from the show being the moment that made me into the fan I am today, was this obsession they had with distortion; they tried bending notes and sound in such a way that it completely filled every spare inch of the room but it didn't come off as too loud or excessive (although, in truth, they are the loudest band I have ever seen). Beat the Devil's Tattoo is the band's first studio album, in my opinion, to capture this live feel.
It took me a good while to get into this album; the songs just didn't immediately grab me as past releases did; however, I think the constant and consistent listening made me appreciate singers Robert Levon Been and Peter Hayes more as lyricists and songwriters. It seems with this release that although their songs feature the same themes as albums past (addiction, war, struggle, love), the message seems to be more upfront and direct.
Other Rankings: none.
Key Tracks: "Beat the Devil's Tattoo," "Bad Blood," "Evol," "River Styx," "Long Way Down"
1. The Black Keys Brothers Released 18 May 2010 (Nonesuch)
This is probably the first time I've been left speechless; I can't say enough or make a single comment that will do this album any justice. It's raw, sexy, honest, catchy, and the great thing about it is that the Black Keys know they're writing better music than what almost all of their peers are coming out with.
Other Rankings: NPR (Top 50 of 2010), Paste (46/50), Rolling Stone (2/20), Spin (30/40), Spinner (11/30)
Key Tracks: "Everlasting Light," "Howlin' for You," "Tighten Up," "The Only One," "Ten Cent Pistol," "Sinister Kid," "Unknown Brother," "Never Gonna' Give you Up"
Honorable Mentions
Band of Horses Infinite Arms Released 18 May 2010 (Columbia) Key Track: "Northwest Apartment" Other Rankings: Paste (14/50), Spinner (30/30)
The Head and the Heart The Head and the Heart Released 29 June 2010 (CD Baby.com/INDYS) Key Track: "Ghosts" Other Rankings: none.
Pete Yorn Pete Yorn Released 28 September 2010 (Vagrant Records) Key Track: "The Chase" Other Rankings: none.
Ted Leo + the Pharmacists The Brutalist Brick Released 9 March 2010 (Matador Records) Key Track: "The Mighty Sparrow" Other Rankings: Spin (33/40)
Vampire Weekend Contra Released 12 January 2010 (XL Recordings) Key Track: "Giving up the Gun" Other Rankings: Paste (27/50), Mervis (6/10), NME (24/75), Pitchfork (6/50), Rolling Stone (6/20), Spin (11/40)
Looking forward to 2011...
~ Bright Eyes The People's Key 15 February 2011 ~ Death Cab for Cutie Keys and Codes (spring) ~ The Decemberists The King is Dead 18 January 2011 ~ Drive-By Truckers Go-Go Boots 15 February 2011 ~ Fiona Apple ~ Flogging Molly (May) ~ Foo Fighters (spring) ~ Frank Turner (spring) ~ Iron and Wine Kiss Each Other Clean 25 January 2011 ~ The Pains of being Pure at Heart (March) ~ P.J. Harvey Let England Shake 14 February 2011 ~ R.E.M. Collapse into Now 8 March 2011 ~ Red Hot Chili Peppers ~ Snow Patrol ~ Social Distortion Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes 18 January 2011 ~ Thurston Moore ~ Wilco
Modest Mouse and Queens of the Stone Age owe us one...just saying.
Between teaching, coaching, St. Patrick's Day/The Second Annual Legend's Charity Breakfast, and a new, special lady friend (special both mentally and in my heart), the first quarter of my 2010 has been jam-packed. I'm going to keep this a lot shorter than normal because I want to catch the end of the Penguino's game, plut I'm going to see Black Rebel Motorcycle Club tomorrow and want to get a full night's rest before I rock out (getting old-rocking out past my bedtime takes effort).
This is going to look barbaric...
My Top Albums of 2009
5. Heartless BastardsThe Mountain
Released 3 February 2009 (Fat Possum)
My musical kick over the last few years has been a lot like Walter Sobchak's ringer in The Big Lebowski: dirty laundry. No, my music hasn't been clean and fresh; it's been filthy. I need distortion, fuzzy guitars, loud drums, and a frontman (or in the case of Hearless Bastards...a frontwoman) who can belt-it-out.
Key Tracks: "The Mountain," "Hold Your Head High," and "Out at Sea"
4. Pearl Jam Backspacer
Released 22 September 2009 (Monkeywrench)
Took a huge gamble by self-releasing this album only through Target and independent record stores, but they have nothing to prove. A solid album, but comes nowhere close to 2006's self-titled effort. The overall tone of the album is cohesive, however, the quality of the songs as a whole is way off. Still, hats off to my boys for making music that is both much better than the music being released today, and for still bringing it twenty years into an amazing career.
Key Tracks: "The Fixer," "Johnny Guitar," and "Unthought Known"
3. The Avett BrothersI and Love and You
Released 29 September 2009 (Sony/American Recordings)
This album was one of those pieces of art that just finds you at the right (or wrong depending on how you look at it) time. Made me understand love a little bit better than I did before. "I and Love and You" is one of the most beautiful and heart-felt songs I've heard in a good number of years. The whole album is amazing; great indie-folk.
Key Tracks: "I and Love and You," "And It Spread," "Kick Drum Heart"
2. Wilco(The Album)
Released 30 June 2009 (Nonesuch Records)
Wilco can't fail. Umm, yeah...I don't think I can say it any better than they just can't fail. Or maybe they won't fail? I havn't decided on that one yet. Hmm. Whatever...you know your band is better than the rest when they release a song that rest-assures its listeners that the world will turn out just right because Wilco will be there in the end ("Wilco (The Song)"). This album didn't get a lot of press or attention (for a new Wilco release), but I think it's their best since Yankee Hotel Foxtrot.
Key Tracks: "Wilco (The Song)," "You Never Know," "I'll Fight"
1. Manchester OrchestraMean Everything to Nothing
Released 21 April 2009 (Favorite Gentlemen Records)
I saw these guys two weeks ago at Mr. Small's Theater in Millvale and they absolutely blew me away. So much raw energy and a genuine stage pressence/command of the crowd. And their music is so complex and full of life. And so dynamic. And meaningful. And-I'm-spent.
Oh, and much like Heartless Bastards, they had me at distortion.
Key Tracks: "The Only One," "Pride," "I Can Feel a Hot One"
Honorable MentionsChuck RaganGold Country
Released 1 September 2009 (Side One Dummy Records)
Key Track: "Done and Done"
Dinosaur Jr.Farm
Released 23 June 2009 (Jagjaguwar)
Key Track: "See You"
Fanfarlo Reservoir
Released 13 October 2009 (Wea/Atlantic)
Key Track: "Comets"
Neko CaseMiddle Cyclone
Released 3 March 2009 (Anti-)
Key Track: "This Tornado Loves You"
U2 No Line on the Horizon
Released 3 March 2009 (Interscope Records)
Key Track: "Unknown Caller"
Looking forward to 2010...
~Apples in Stereo Travellers in Space and Time 20 April 2010
~ Arcade Fire
~ Bad Religion
~ Band of Horses Infinite Arms 18 May 2010
~ Ben Harper and the Relentless 7
~ Black Keys Brothers 18 May 2010
~ Black Rebel Motorcycle Club Beat the Devil's Tattoo 9 March 2010
~ Broken Social Scene Forgiveness Rock Record 4 May 2010
~ Fleet Foxes
~ Interpol
~ Kaki King Junior 13 April 2010
~ Matt Pond PA The Dark Leaves 13 April 2010
~ LCD Soundsystem This is Happening 18 May 2010
~ MGMT Congratulations 13 April 2010
~ Minus the Bear Omni 4 May 2010
~ Murder by Death Good Morning, Magpie 6 April 2010
~ The National High Violet 11 May 2010
~ New Pornographers Together 4 May 2010
~ Of Montreal False Priest
~ Social Distortion
~ Stereophonics Keep Calm and Carry On 11 May 2010
~ Stone Temple Pilots self-titled 25 May 2010
~ Ted Leo + the Pharmacists Brutalists Bricks 9 March 2010
~ The Constellations Southern Gothic
~ The Gaslight Anthem American Slang 18 June 2010
~ Rogue Wave Permalight 2 March 2010
~ The Roots How I Got Over 8 June 2010
~ The Strokes
~ The Walkmen
~ Titus Andronicus Monitor 9 March 2010
~ Tokyo Police Club Champ 11 May 2010
~ Vampire Weekend Contra 12 January 2010
I've always tried being a good person and leading a good life and speaking both my mind and my heart.
Now those of you that somewhat know me will tell others that I do one of these a whole lot better than I do the other.
And those of you that truly know me, that truly are my people, will tell the rest of you to fuck off because women, swearing and beer have never really hurt anybody all that bad.
Have they?
Anyways, my point is that I lead life to the fullest and regret nothing (Well...almost nothing. Lord knows I'm no perfectionist nor do I try to be (rolls eyes).). We're on this earth for far too short of a time to have coulda-woulda-shoulda's running through our pretty little heads, right?
Which leads me to this point: what is up with people sacrificing the most absurd and insignificant things for Lent. In my eyes, someone giving up, for instance, ice cream for forty days shows me one of two things: 1.) They regret the fact that they eat ice cream in whichever quantity they eat it in, and 2.) They are morally and emotionally flawless and giving up ice cream is a way for them not to feel so left out at Easter time.
Now if you fit into category one, I have a word of advice for you: RELAX! The Ben and Jerry's will not harm you if you eat it in moderation. In fact...this is bullshit. Unless you sit at home everyday and practically choke yourselves into a whole-milk coma eating Funky Monkey and Half Baked, then you probably should give up ice cream for Lent; however, I don't think this is the case.
In fact, I think that category one should only be applied to substance abusers. So if this applies to you, lay off the meth, put down the crack, and take a forty day vacation from the blow. Enjoy!
If, however, you fit into category two, well...(trying to put this delicately) YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT! I think every single one of you has something morally and/or emotionally destructive you could give up instead Pepsi or Snickers or pizza. Self-loathing? Hate? Holding on to unrequited love? Lust? Immaturity? Racism? Neglect? Narcissism?
I think these are all good starts, don't you?
So I close by challenging you, my Catholic and Christian friends who believe in challenging yourselves in order to fulfill your Godly duties, to give up something on more of a larger and more meaningful scale this Lent. If not eating Frosted Flakes is your grand and meaningful idea of giving up something for God, then so be it. But I know that if you thought about the idea of sacrifice along with yourselves, you would be able to come up with something a little bit more profound, don't you? Spread those wings and fly for greatness. Shoot for the moon; if you fail then you'll be amongst the stars. And all sorts of crap like that!
Hell, I'll even join you. I do solemnly swear not to have a single drink, even Guinness and Yeungling, during Lent.
Wait, St. Patrick's Day falls during Lent. I do have the Legends Charity Breakfast to think about. Don't want to disappoint the gang. They're counting on me to make green eggs...and drink all that beer that I often drink around St. Patrick's Day. Arthur Guinness would probably smite me from heaven. And I don't want to sound like a hypocrite with the whole "giving up something more meaningful" schtick
Let's try this again.
I do solemnly swear to not write long-winded diatribes (that most people don't actually read) telling others how to live their lives to the fullest and be more heartfelt and sincere with what they plan to take a break from for any given forty day period.
People can be placed in one of two categories for a lot of things in life.
Democrat or Republican
"Seinfeld" or "Friends"
Chicken or Fish
Now I realize that some people can blur the lines between the two respective categories; yes, there must be a gray area. But over the last few weeks, I've conducted countless hours of research to find that there is only one category where it is one or the other, either/or, black and white...
You're either a fan of A Christmas Story or you're not.
I havn't met anyone who just plain likes the movie. In fact, most people that I know can't stand it. Me, on the other hand...I LOVE IT. It is by far the most perfect Christmas movie ever made. And with each passing twenty-four hour Christmas Eve marathon on TBS, I find something new to appreciate and love. This year I showed the film in length to my classes, and although I have seen it 317 times, and although I will watch it again tonight at 8:00 p.m., I caught myself looking up at the screen several times, my inner child grinning with innocent delight. Yes, the film is funny...hell, it's hilarious at some points. But I, and most of my fellow Christmasholics, find pleasure in it because we can relate; because we knew what it was like being a child and wanting to jump our of our skin right after Thanskgiving. When I was six my grandmother got me a dress coat for Christmas and I hated it. And of course I would hate it. I was six; I wanted toys, damn it! My kid brother is twenty-one and he still hasn't voluntarily eaten fruits or vegetables since Gerber mashed them up into a tiny glass jar. I've had soap put into my mouth for swearing and getting caught. And, like Ralphie, I've gotten the end all and be all of Christmas gifts: the tree fort play set from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (for my Robin Hood action figures). I honestly don't think I'll ever get a gift as cool or exciting as that one (and I'm okay with that).
And I challenge you to not tell me a similar story from one, if not all four, of the examples given above.
The reason these stories do conjure splendid memories of childhood is because of Jean Shepherd, author of "In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash," the novel A Christmas Story was based off of. He was, in my opinion, one of the most underrated American writers. If you've never heard of him, you're wrong: he is the narrator of the film. I've never read an author who captures the kindness and innocence of children so well while putting their emotions into a language that only adults can understand-which is why I think it is so poignant and meaningful.
There is one quote from the film, which coincidentally is my favorite quote of all time, that best sums up life for both children and adults:
"Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at it's zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us."
What Shepherd is trying to say is that life is like a swinging pendulum: in one moment you can be on top of a world that's nothing short of immaculate, but it is only a matter of time for the pendulum to swing back the other way; to a macrocosm marred with abhorrent, dire times.
Karma, perhaps?
A very close friend of mine had a 2009 that saying it wasn't ideal would undercut it significantly, but from what I'm told is ending on a higher note than it began. Her pendulum is veering back to where it needs to be, and I'm elated for her.
I've had a pretty full year where I can honestly say that I count my blessings each and every night. There has been one or two things that, simply put, did not go the way I wanted them to, but that's okay-it's not all wine and roses! I've been teaching in my classroom since I graduated last December (something that can be categorized with Haley's comet and the parting of the Red Sea); I was in a wonderful, albeit short-lived, relationship with a woman who made me realize that there are still women with class, grace, beauty and brains out there-you just have to be willing to find them in the most interesting, creative and circumstantial ways imaginable; only one person close to me passed away, but it was for the best as she lived a hard life these last few years and is now in a better place.
But what does that say about this next year? Is my pendulum bound to crash from greatness to unfortunate circumstances? Will I be able to keep a job in such a bitter economic time that our Senate is trying to tax tanning bed usage? Will my family stay healthy, safe, and sound? Will I be fortunate enough to fall in love again? Who knows?!?! Ah, but that is life. We can be skeptical, we can keep our guard up and not venture into the unknown abyss, or, we can keep an open mind and an open heart and hope for our glasses to be half full of cheer, merriment, and good fortune.
A Robin Hood tree fort would definitely help the cause, right?
Merry Christmas and God Bless you and all of your families!
But I’d rather you’d be
The anchor
To my ship
Than the desolate wind
Tapping my sails,
Steering me away
With finesse.
Ships set sail in strong March,
Risking their worlds, die to be brave;
For summer’s broken hearts and old-soul songs:
Which to be passed and which to be saved?
They can’t have both, the hearts and souls;
One must drown, while one must rise.
Rum-drunk before the sailor, all the better,
But they know they’ll never make it out alive.
The summers always brought ‘em,
Those sincere and weathered autumns.
Where hardened sailors must turn stone;
Haul their anchors and sail to unruffled waters.
The seas are too rough for men
With a wild desire, and the heart of a boy.
The world can’t be merely predicated.
Tides wash broken vessels straight to shore.
But savage ships need anchors to bind them
To the soft and sandy ocean floor.
But does there really exist such a thing?
Waters bare of ridge and ripple, of billow and Brine
Are like the love letters you never got the chance to write:
Inhibited anguish with nowhere to go-
Nothing but a waste of time.
The older I get (I'll be twenty-four next month), and the more I get into this teaching racket, the more distant and detached I feel I'm becoming from my childhood. Last night I got to see Spike Jonze's adaptation of Maurice Sendak's beloved children's' book Where The Wild Things Are. Although this is not a film review, I will say that I did enjoy the film. The sets, art direction, and Max (the perfectly casted Max Records) were all amazing; but I must admit that it was the Wild Things and the actors that lent their voices to the creatures that threw me over the top. Anyways, seeing the movie reminded me a lot of my childhood. As a kid, I remember my parents reading me that book before bed and being both startled yet memorized by the Wild Things. And I also adored Max. He was bold, brave, daring, and wild. But he was also eight and I could identify with what it was like to be eight and scared of the imperfect world around me; to see every angle change and feeling helpless that I couldn't stop it was what Max and the eight year old me had in common.
And all nostalgia aside, seeing Jonze's film made me realize that part of me is still eight...something that, surprisingly enough, I greatly appreciate.
In the film, Max becomes isolated in his own world; a world that has all but collapsed (divorce, his sister growing up and making new friends, a mother's new boyfriend, his igloo...collapsing, THE SUN EXPLODING!!!) In a violent and defiant fit of rage, Max snarls and sinks his fangs into his mother, runs off, and sets sail for the land of the Wild Things to ineviatbly become their king. Of all the creatures, he identifies most with Carol (perfectly voiced by "The Sopranos" James Gandolfini), the leader of the Wild Things. The two connect because, like Max, Carol can't fathom change in a world he deems as perfect. It is at the end of their wild rumpus that both Carol and Max realize that change is a permanent part of life; that you have to take the good with the bad and not get all wild when life doesn't go your way.
This is the point in the film where I realized that Carol, Max and I have a lot more in common than rugged good looks.
Some things have recently happened that I havn't been able to control, and it's been driving me nuts. It's like my igloo is collapsing on me, and, like Carol and Max, my perfect world is falling apart. But.Life.Isn't.Perfect. It just works out right every once in a while so we keep ourselves living for those moments where a smile isn't an option...it's a necessity.
I find it both odd and redeeming that a children's' movie has re-opened my eyes to one of life's biggest problems: a problem that I tend to forget how to solve and need to hit the REFRESH button every once in a while in order to figure things out.
Although Carol and Max have helped me cope with things that have been troubling me lately, they HAVE ALSO helped me come to the conclusion that, like them, I struggle with a changing world that I can do nothing about; that like them I sometimes have a heart as big as a monster's and as pure as a child's and I don't understand the world as I should.
And this doesn't make me feel as old as I once did...
(I wrote this on July 10th, 2008 at about 3:30 a.m. This is pretty dated, but I thought I would share it for two reasons: 1.) This is one of the most honest and simply best things I think I've ever written, and 2.) I havn't been able to honestly finish anything, and I'm kind of being lazy by posting this.)
Carrie Bradshaw and the 2005-2006 Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers:
Why the Sex and the City Movie Means More to Me (Now) Than the Black and Gold Ever Did
I.
On July 9th, 2008 at 7:00 p.m. I went to the Allegheny County Jail to see the last ever public execution.
Inmate #000781926 was euphemized by lethal injection at 9:21:08 p.m.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
II.
Truth be told, I have no idea if the Allegheny County Jail even puts down convicts anymore, and I certainly know that if they did, they would not allow the public to watch it. Anyways, why would anyone want to watch that? I mean, come on…lethal injection? A rather weak way for a criminal to punish, don’t you think? No, I believe that if you’re going to kill someone, do it as violently as possible. I’d rather see them fry like Michael Clark Duncan did in the Green Mile. Or maybe, and this is just me thinking aloud, see them forced to eat their bodyweight in their last meal until their stomachs literally exploded from overeating. Makes you wonder what it would be called if your last meal were stuffed pork chops. Double-stuffed pork chops, eh? Yeah, if I were really at the last public execution on July 9th, that’s how I would have wanted Inmate #000781926 to perish for the crimes he or she committed.
No…on that unusually mild July night I went to the Galleria movie theater in Mt.Lebanon to see Sex and the City.I’d like to say that I was held at gunpoint and forced against my will to sit in that theater and watch Cynthia Nixon up in pathetic arms about Steve committing an infidelity on their marriage because she wasn’t giving him any lovin’. I’d want you to believe that my family was being held hostage by jewel smugglers and would be released only after me having to sit through two and a half hours of Kristin Davis’ character basking in her perfect marital bliss while her three best friends were miserable with their own relationship troubles.And I would need you to understand that international terrorists from the Middle East were holding the free world hostage, and only me sitting through what seemed to be an endless ocean of forty or so middle-aged women laughing at every-last-one of Kim Cattrall’s smarmy, smart-ass comments was our country’s only hope of surviving from what one could only assume to be a nuclear holocaust of grave detail.
But alas, that was not the case.
No, I was just a shitty boyfriend.
A plain and simple shitty boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) who has had to live with that self-inflicted, but most deserved, title for the past two months.
When her and I were together, she did everything and anything I ever asked of her. When her and I were together, I did two things with her that she wanted to do: 1.) We went to a lake once, and 2.) I hung out with her friends once.
Two things. That’s it.
That’s a very hard and bitter pill to swallow; to know that I did nothing for the person I was in love with.But I take at least two doses of that notion every single day.The slightly above average life I lead has become harder because I fully know and understand my mistakes.Now, I’m not trying to glorify myself or anything, but I’ve figured that I had at least owed her this one movie on top of the countless number of movies, restaurants, television shows, sporting events, parties, family functions, gatherings, shindigs, festivities, etc. that she had gone to with me.
For me.
And not for her (she was a very unselfish person to say the least, and I was, well, you got the picture already, right?).
So yeah, we went and saw that film, and I can safely say that Sarah Jessica Parker-Brodrick and her equally obnoxious co-stars taught me a valuable lesson: that no matter how much I believe it, no matter how much I want it to be true, the 2005-2006 Pittsburgh Steelers have taught me nothing that is valuable to my life, but the Sex and the City movie has.
III.
It was such a magical ending, wasn’t it?I mean, it was everything I had ever hoped for and more.The story leading up to it was flawless, but the ending…well, it just left me speeches.In awe.Mesmerized.Hell, if we’re going to be honest, it left me in a pile of drunken, masculine tears in the middle Elm Street in Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania on a very cold and bitter early February night.To quote one of my favorite films, at that moment, all was right with the world.
Yes, the 2005-2006 Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl XL Championship run was absolutely perfect to me and about twenty million other members of the prestigious Steeler Nation.
I’m only going to go into five minor details about that season only because professional football is not the point of this essay:
1.) Ben Roethlisburger was both the youngest quarterback ever to win a Super Bowl, but also had the worst quarterback rating of any quarterback to ever win the Super Bowl.After the previous season’s AFC Championship loss to the New England Patriots, Roethlistburger told Steeler running back Jerome “The Bus” Bettis, whom contemplating retirement, that if he stuck around for one more season, Roethlisburger would get him to the Super Bowl.He did this and then some.
2.) Head coach Bill Cowher, one of the finest men ever to lead any professional sports franchise, finally won the big one after constant criticism for blowing one other Super Bowl and four previous AFC Championship games.After the game, he, his wife, and his three daughters embraced on the field, then high-fived each other; an act of which Cowher himself has admitted brought him to tears.
3.) Jerome Bettis won Super Bowl XL in his hometown of Detroit, Michigan in front of dozens of family members and friends.Upon holding the Vince Lombardi Trophy on the winner’s podium, Bettis retired instantly from the game of professional football.Nobody could have written a better ending than that for the Bus.
4.) After winning the Super Bowl’s Most Valuable Player, it is tradition for that athlete to say, “I’m going to Disneyland!”After Hines Ward, Steelers’ wide receiver, was given that honor, he said, “I’m going to Disneyland, and I’m taking The Bus!”
5.) I was, in fact, driven to tears that February night.I blame it mostly on the Keystone Premium and Southern Comfort that I was drinking that day…all day in fact.But in my heart of hearts I know now that I was not only proud of my team, but also moved by how…well, moving professional sports really are.If anyone ever tells any of you that professional sports aren’t dynamic and heart wrenching, well, you can tell them to talk to anybody in Steeler Nation.
Oh, how I love me some Pittsburgh Steelers.
I was asked once what I loved more: the Pittsburgh Steelers or her (the ex-girlfriend I mentioned above)?I hesitated for a second, but naturally responded her.But in all reality I was honestly thinking the Steelers.Back then my logic behind it was that she may one day up and leave me, but the Steelers would always be there, no matter what.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
IV.
Other then seeing odds and ends of the “Sex and the City” television show, I have never seen an episode in its entirety.To be honest, I think that if you added up my odds and ends, it probably would not equal a full half-hour episode of the show (if the show is even in half-hour incriminates).And do you want to know why this is true?Do you want to know why this is true for almost all men?Do you want to know why the collective alpha-male has never watched the show?
Because.
Because the show is for women.Because they depict an upscale life for women that is completely unrealistic to almost everyone including myself (and actually makes me feel inferior because I could never provide that kind of lifestyle for my lady).Because the witty dialogue isn’t so witty if you’re not a women.Because the sexual innuendos used are from the perspective of women, so they make me a little insecure and uncomfortable.Because my mother, my aunts and all of their middle-aged friends watch the show.Because if I had to choose one woman from that show to have sex with, it would not be Kim Cattrall’s character, and she’s the most logical choice because she is the easiest.Because, as Peter Griffin from Family Guy would say, making a judgment between Sarah Jessica Parker-Brodrick and Kirstin Duntst in a hot body/ugly face competition is an impossible feat, and the show would just make it harder.Because when push came to shove, I wasn’t going to watch a television show that I didn’t want to.
Take your pick because they’re all valid in my book.
They all hold some type of truth, especially the remark about Kim Cattrall.
But despite the many reasons I could have chosen not to go and see that movie with her, I needed to.
And I did.
And I was enlightened.
V.
Two things actually.
As we sat in the theater, which I might add was rather crowded for a Thursday night, I noticed that: 1.) None of the women whom were in attendance were alone, and 2.) I was one of only three men at the show that night.Now you may be asking yourself why anyone would go to a movies alone, and since I knew you were going to do that, I have come up with a logical answer. If you think about it, a movie theater is a very illogical place to go with friends, companions and loved ones because you shouldn’t talk.And if you’re like me and you want to get the most out of you $10.00 movie ticket, you won’t talk.Plus, the whole sociological construction of a movie theater is to prevent people from talking.Think about this: all of the seats face forward, preventing you from comfortably looking at the person next to you; because of the tiered-design of each row of seats, moviegoers cannot see the people around them, which as we all know creates a panoptic mechanism, which in turn forces one to be quiet because they never know when they’re being watched by others; and finally, thanks to George Lucas and the fine folks at Skywalker Sound, people cannot possibly converse without shouting because of how loud films nowadays are engineered to sound.So you see, going to the movies alone is a very acceptable behavior given each theater’s sociological construction, or, lack thereof.
But I digress.
I noticed that these women were not alone, and there is a reason for this: no matter how awful men truly think Sex and the City really is, women are connected by it.There was a general consensus of excitement in the air that night and it was shared not only by all the women in the theater, but also by every woman in the world who has ever needed a good laugh, a good cry, or simply a common bond to share with their fellow sisters.While even I found some of the movie humorous, I couldn’t help but to take enjoyment during the moments where all of the women would feel together in unison.Whether it was Steve admitting to Miranda that he had slept with another woman, Charlotte drinking the Mexican water, Big leaving Carrie stranded at the altar on their wedding day, or Samantha becoming speechless at the sight of her hunk of a next door neighbor showering, all of these women in the theater that night cried, laughed, cried and laughed together.Despite their varying ages, backgrounds, sexual orientations, races and classes, they were all united as one for that one night, and sometimes it just takes only two and a half hours to make all the difference in the world, especially to a woman.I get that now.I digSex and the City.
VI.
I also noted above that I was only one of three men in the theater that night. Truth be told, I noticed that there were only two other men because I was on the look-out for people who may recognize me.I, Sean Patrick Lohrer, could not…no, should not be spotted at the Sex and the City movie!No matter how much of the I don’t care what people think of me! persona I give off, I do have some sort of credibility to maintain, don’t I?Regardless of my motives and intentions, I did notice that two other men were there at the theater that night, and they were there with their wives.I naturally believed that I was better than them because, while I chose to come to the movie, they were forced to come by the brutal hand that is marriage.As I sat in that dark theater between the girl that I had at one point in time thought I was going to marry someday and a wall of silence that wasn’t created by the theater itself, but by my own insecurities and regrets, I couldn’t help but to notice the other two men: they actually looked like they wanted to be there and nowhere else.
I’ve lived all my life as a Steelers fan; as part of Steeler Nation.I’ve waved my Terrible Towel with pride.I’ve felt disappointment when they lost. I cried when they won the Super Bowl.My heart was broken when Myron Cope died.Mr. Rooney was one of the greatest men who has ever lived.But in twenty-two years I have never felt as connected with the Steelers as I did with the Sex and the City movie and the woman I got to watch it with on July 9th, 2009.
That night inmate #000781926 was probably let off the hook, anyways.
